It’s been a while, and a lot has been going on! I don’t know if I am making excuses, or if I’ve really been that busy; right now, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is, because I’ve been so busy, I am not losing focus which causes anxiety.

So, the goal of buying a home has been accomplished. Yay! First-time home buying was, and still is, one of the most stressful experiences of my life. But it is true that it is one of the most rewarding as well.

The next fun part comes with the unpacking and remodeling. Luckily, the remodeling is a want and not a need. But those extra tasks are throwing off my regular routine. My brain also hasn’t figured out that this is the new reality so I just feel weird.

I haven’t been doing a work out routine since the move, which is coming up three weeks. I’ve taken the doggo for a walk in the morning, some days, but I just feel like I am not doing enough. I’ve lost over seven pounds, but this week there was no change. I am starting to get discouraged.

Even though I feel discouraged, there is a part of me that I reminding myself that the new routine will be established and things will feel like normal again; I hope soon.

Part of the reason why I am feeling off is because since taking a few days off at the beginning of the month to move, one (if not all) of the kids have been sick and sent home the past two weeks. When this happens, the mom guilt kicks in and is full blast. It makes me want to do something to be able to find that balance again. But, every day I am on edge, wondering which one will be sent home today.

I’ve also depleted most of my savings to spend on car inspections and repairs. I am happy I had that extra money–because that is what it is there for–but now I have to replenish and I wonder if I will get back to that!

When things pile up at once, I feel incompetent and feel as though I am losing control. Then I just want to retreat. Hide. Quit. But I am NOT going to do that. Because I want to be happy. I want to be happy for myself and for my kids. I want to be a positive influence for others as well. But, part of being that positive influence is being real. Accepting that my issues are real, and not waving them away just because they may not seem as major as other people’s issues.

Lately, I’ve just been wondering why? And, this is it? This is what life is about? Getting up, working, going home, and doing it all over again? Because that isn’t fun for me. I feel so good when I achieve my goals and want to continue to aim for making positive changes. I just need to accept that maybe I will never be completely happy.

I need to pray more. I need to let go and put my full trust and faith in Jesus. I need to be grateful for what I have.

I Forgot I Can Do This

I forgot how awesome it felt to get up earlier in the morning and have time to accomplish things. I almost let my snooze win, but this time I cam out of the battle victorious.

The first of May felt like a great starting point for some positive changes. I’ve been making small changes along the way, but have had more struggles than anticipated. I was not sure why this particular date stuck out to me. I’ve mentioned before that the first of the month is always a perfect time for a new beginning. I also just felt tired of how I was feeling; how I was still making excuses. So, I really thought about my goal for my physical fitness. I wanted a realistic goal that was going to be healthy. This whole saga began because I wanted to lose weight, and feel better about myself. But, I was distracted and my mental and spiritual health moved to the top of the priority list. As the importance of those aspects of my life began to rise, so did the number on the scale. This added to my motivation and decision to focus on my physical health again.

I began thinking about my ideal weight, and what it would take to get there. It would take losing 50 pounds. This sounds overwhelming to think about, but I am giving myself a year to lose this weight; a year from 05/01/2021. This is realistic, and would be a healthy way to achieve my goal.

Some of the initial steps that I have been taking towards reaching my goal is to pack my lunch in the evenings after dinner so I am not inclined to just buy something the next day if I am running late (which I am always running late). I am adding more vegetables back into my daily consumption, and really focusing on portion control. I am also cutting out soda and chocolate again; which, has started to become a bad habit of my family’s on weekends when we just veg out.

I found an achievable 30-day workout challenge to begin as well. I started the 30-Day Early Bird Workout Challenge this morning. I want to complete a new challenge each month! I am also journaling more again; I’ve been writing down everything I eat and then later adding it to MyFitnessPal account. I also plan to start writing whenever I have a craving for soda or chocolate (the struggle is so real).

A daily goal that I have been struggling with since beginning this entire saga is getting up early like I used to. I know there is something that really kicked my butt into gear that happened last night–which I am keeping to myself because it is rather petty, but hurt enough to open my eyes–and I am happy that I got up with every intention to go walking with the dog. But it was pouring, and instead of making that as an excuse to go right back to bed I stayed up to complete Day 1 of the challenge. I also had time to finish up the dishes, sweep the kitchen, and sit down to eat breakfast. As I ate breakfast, I wrote in my journal. I plan to get up in time to drink my coffee at home so I am not sipping on it all day at work; this way, I can drink nothing but water at work.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about all the little goals I have in store for myself, and I am a little afraid that I will just make another excuse. But, I am tired of how I am feeling! I know that I can achieve my goals, because I am accomplishing goals in other areas of my life that I would normally neglect. I want to create a routine for my physical health so people don’t roll their eyes anymore when I say that I am going to exercise or cut out junk food. Trust me, I roll my eyes at myself at times.

I also want to be a role model for my children, and be able to show average moms like me how it can be done.

What is In My Control

I have to remind myself, constantly, of what is in my control. I need routine. I need things to go as planned; otherwise, my anxiety goes through the roof. I know anxiety, depression, and any other kind of mental health illness usually stems from a traumatic experience, and I am sure if I took the time I could pin point that moment that caused me to need routine and plans. But, I am not read for that right now. I will leave that up to the another professional; whenever I get the courage to try counseling again.

So my plan’s for the rest of the week have been trashed because of something that is out of my control. I have to be off with the children until Tuesday. Thankfully, all of them are healthy and safe.

But, after having a panic attack, I accepted this fact. No wait, as I am writing this, my brain hasn’t accepted it. I hate that I feel like I cannot balance being a mom and being a working woman. Although, my supervisor is completely understanding, and a “family comes first” kind of guy, he can’t speak for the my co-workers, our customers, and our clients. I want to work. I enjoy my job. I enjoy having those two different worlds.

I just want normal again.

P.S. Even though I really wanted a soda, I didn’t cave. Go me.