Getting Through It

Growth, no matter how small, is an improvement. I’m recognizing my negative patterns and stopping them before they happen. That, is a HUGE step for me. Let me give you some history.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression since probably middle school. My dad’s family would say, “I think she’s depressed!” Because I would sleep all day. At the time, I thought that was stupid but I think they were right. The voice in my head tells me to GET UP and GET OVER IT but I physically cannot make myself do it.

I used to think that the depression was related to the seasons. It was easy for me to blame it on that. Then I would get depressed in the middle of summer, how do you explain that? I used to get depressed after major life events and just assume that the way I was feeling was some kind of grief.

But, I’ve come to realize now, that my depression just is. Right now, as I am writing this, I am feeling really down. Worthless, Unwanted, not good at anything. Even though everything in my life is seemingly great! New home, steady job, supportive partner, loving babies. So, this is why I know my depression is simply a combination of a chemical imbalance and trauma.

So what do I do about this? First step, I set up an appointment with a new doctor that is closer to home. I am using my writing as an outlet. I am trying really hard to focus on my health. I am trying healthy alternatives to traditional medication.

What am I NOT doing? What I started out with: not feeding into my negative thoughts and the negative behaviors that I participate in when I have a depressive episode. I am not shopping. I am not isolating. I am not staying in bed. Most importantly, I am not making any irrational decisions (even though I want to). I have to remind myself that this will pass like it always does. Things aren’t as bad as they seem.

What I hate the most about myself at this time, is feeling ungrateful for the things that I have because I really don’t have anything to complain about, so why am I unhappy??

I am going to get through this, and I am proud that I can recognize my barriers. I know what not to do that and that is a good first step.

Changes

It’s been a while, and a lot has been going on! I don’t know if I am making excuses, or if I’ve really been that busy; right now, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is, because I’ve been so busy, I am not losing focus which causes anxiety.

So, the goal of buying a home has been accomplished. Yay! First-time home buying was, and still is, one of the most stressful experiences of my life. But it is true that it is one of the most rewarding as well.

The next fun part comes with the unpacking and remodeling. Luckily, the remodeling is a want and not a need. But those extra tasks are throwing off my regular routine. My brain also hasn’t figured out that this is the new reality so I just feel weird.

I haven’t been doing a work out routine since the move, which is coming up three weeks. I’ve taken the doggo for a walk in the morning, some days, but I just feel like I am not doing enough. I’ve lost over seven pounds, but this week there was no change. I am starting to get discouraged.

Even though I feel discouraged, there is a part of me that I reminding myself that the new routine will be established and things will feel like normal again; I hope soon.

Part of the reason why I am feeling off is because since taking a few days off at the beginning of the month to move, one (if not all) of the kids have been sick and sent home the past two weeks. When this happens, the mom guilt kicks in and is full blast. It makes me want to do something to be able to find that balance again. But, every day I am on edge, wondering which one will be sent home today.

I’ve also depleted most of my savings to spend on car inspections and repairs. I am happy I had that extra money–because that is what it is there for–but now I have to replenish and I wonder if I will get back to that!

When things pile up at once, I feel incompetent and feel as though I am losing control. Then I just want to retreat. Hide. Quit. But I am NOT going to do that. Because I want to be happy. I want to be happy for myself and for my kids. I want to be a positive influence for others as well. But, part of being that positive influence is being real. Accepting that my issues are real, and not waving them away just because they may not seem as major as other people’s issues.

Lately, I’ve just been wondering why? And, this is it? This is what life is about? Getting up, working, going home, and doing it all over again? Because that isn’t fun for me. I feel so good when I achieve my goals and want to continue to aim for making positive changes. I just need to accept that maybe I will never be completely happy.

I need to pray more. I need to let go and put my full trust and faith in Jesus. I need to be grateful for what I have.

It Ain’t Easy

Have you noticed that making passive income, and being able to work from home seems to be so frickin easy according to all these advertisements and posts? I am not talking about the people who are forced to work from home right now due to COVID-19. No, I am talking about the people who have built some kind of busy being a virtual assistant, or selling products on etsy, or creating their blog (heheh).

Of course, I am seeing more and more posts about how easy it is to make so much money working from home and doing what you love! You can spend time with your children, and still make that money! Just follow all of these steps and download my e-book that will show you how easy it is! The reason why more and more are popping up is because I did request a free download on organizing and planning blog posts (which I still haven’t looked at yet).

Yes, I eventually would love to figure out a way to make money on hobbies and things that I love. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like my job. I enjoy my job very much. However, I am enjoying my family a lot more lately.

This doesn’t mean that I never enjoyed my family before lol. It just means that a lot of my stress comes from bringing my worries from work home. I identified myself as a hard working woman since I entered the workforce, and for a very long time I only had to worry about myself!

But now, I have four other people who rely on me. And the mom guilt eats at me more often than usual. So of course, it is easy and fun to imagine how easy and fun it would be to be able to work at home doing what I 100% love which is creating and helping others while being a mom.

Ultimately, I want to share the things I do which allow me to take care of my family while taking care of myself; but, I want to be real about it. I don’t want to pretend that it is amazing as these other bloggers and work-from-home mothers make it seem. IT IS NOT EASY AND THAT IS OKAY!

So as I have been doing some of my research on possible ways to at least make some extra income while I work, I’ve come across a couple of websites that that post virtual assistant jobs. I’ve also contemplated being an instacart shopper. Additionally, I’ve set up an etsy shop where I will begin designing digital products that will include planner pages, budgeting worksheets, cognitive-behavioral therapy worksheets, and toddler worksheets. Have I mentioned that I am taking courses to be certified as a life coach too? Where I am going to find time to do any of this, I don’t know. But I do know, these are all things that I enjoy and that you should build upon your strengths.

Before I can achieve any of these goals, I must break them down so not to be overwhelmed (as I currently am thinking about all I want to do). I also need to cross off a big to-do from my list which is getting our house!

The whole point of my rambling in this post is that things aren’t easy. They will get easier; but you have to realize that hard work and planning goes into any idea you want to execute. If you are feeling the same way as me, and just want to make some additional income; or, you want to follow my journey in executing my goals while getting an honest picture on how the journey actually is, then please follow my blog.

Calming Bottles

My boys and I did a fun project today I found on Pinterest. They are called Calming Bottles and are super easy! I must admit, I want to make one for myself! When they have to go in time out, they’ll be allowed to have their calming bottles. Below is a video that I created with instructions. I think the most I spent for materials was $10.

Why is this part of my wellness change, you may ask? It’s for my mental health. I want to take time out to do more things with the kids. I have been so depressed these last five and a half days that I have been off (unplanned and not by choice). I want to try a fun project or game each weekend with the kiddos.

Make Sure You Get My Good Side

One of the social media sites that I am a little behind the times on (okay, there are several) is YouTube. I posted a little for my free sample programs that I am a part of but I have to say I slack in that department. Well, I created a new YouTube channel to go along with this journey. And here is the link to my first post! An intro to me. Here’s to hoping I keep up with this too!

Intro to Me

What is In My Control

I have to remind myself, constantly, of what is in my control. I need routine. I need things to go as planned; otherwise, my anxiety goes through the roof. I know anxiety, depression, and any other kind of mental health illness usually stems from a traumatic experience, and I am sure if I took the time I could pin point that moment that caused me to need routine and plans. But, I am not read for that right now. I will leave that up to the another professional; whenever I get the courage to try counseling again.

So my plan’s for the rest of the week have been trashed because of something that is out of my control. I have to be off with the children until Tuesday. Thankfully, all of them are healthy and safe.

But, after having a panic attack, I accepted this fact. No wait, as I am writing this, my brain hasn’t accepted it. I hate that I feel like I cannot balance being a mom and being a working woman. Although, my supervisor is completely understanding, and a “family comes first” kind of guy, he can’t speak for the my co-workers, our customers, and our clients. I want to work. I enjoy my job. I enjoy having those two different worlds.

I just want normal again.

P.S. Even though I really wanted a soda, I didn’t cave. Go me.

Change= Nope.

I am a complicated individual. I get bored easily so I need a change. But, when a real change happens, I freak out. I’ve been in my new promoted position since the end of November (on paper); but, I started actually working the position at the end of last week. This position is brand new for the facility I work for, so it comes with major pros and cons. The positives are that I have been trusted with creating procedures and documents myself–I keep going to my boss and our customer to be sure they don’t want to approve anything. This is like my baby so I can mold it how I see fit. So the negatives to this is that I have nothing to base anything on, and if I screw something up then it is all on me! Talk about pressure!

I’ve just been winging it, and trying to go with the flow. But I am not a go-with-the-flow girl! I lack confidence in my abilities, even though obviously someone thought I could do this. I know I can do it, but I am just used to being a quick learner and having someone tell me what the procedures are. I just keep telling myself that it is trial and error. People expect things to be muddy at the beginning (at least I hope).

My anxiety has been through the roof this last week, and I am reminding myself that it is OKAY. I AM OKAY. I CAN DO THIS.

Positive affirmations are a powerful tool when facing major change.