Growth, no matter how small, is an improvement. I’m recognizing my negative patterns and stopping them before they happen. That, is a HUGE step for me. Let me give you some history.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression since probably middle school. My dad’s family would say, “I think she’s depressed!” Because I would sleep all day. At the time, I thought that was stupid but I think they were right. The voice in my head tells me to GET UP and GET OVER IT but I physically cannot make myself do it.
I used to think that the depression was related to the seasons. It was easy for me to blame it on that. Then I would get depressed in the middle of summer, how do you explain that? I used to get depressed after major life events and just assume that the way I was feeling was some kind of grief.
But, I’ve come to realize now, that my depression just is. Right now, as I am writing this, I am feeling really down. Worthless, Unwanted, not good at anything. Even though everything in my life is seemingly great! New home, steady job, supportive partner, loving babies. So, this is why I know my depression is simply a combination of a chemical imbalance and trauma.
So what do I do about this? First step, I set up an appointment with a new doctor that is closer to home. I am using my writing as an outlet. I am trying really hard to focus on my health. I am trying healthy alternatives to traditional medication.
What am I NOT doing? What I started out with: not feeding into my negative thoughts and the negative behaviors that I participate in when I have a depressive episode. I am not shopping. I am not isolating. I am not staying in bed. Most importantly, I am not making any irrational decisions (even though I want to). I have to remind myself that this will pass like it always does. Things aren’t as bad as they seem.
What I hate the most about myself at this time, is feeling ungrateful for the things that I have because I really don’t have anything to complain about, so why am I unhappy??
I am going to get through this, and I am proud that I can recognize my barriers. I know what not to do that and that is a good first step.